TTC - The Silent Battle Back To Self

The ache is not for what is lost, but what's not there.

When I think back on my trying to conceive-TTC journey with our now daughter, and our never another, I am flooded with a range of emotions. 

I will always be an advocate for flooding the world with knowledge and wisdom I had to ache to achieve, in the hopes that another may be spared any heartache. We are not taught enough as daughters about our bodies, our cycles, the way we bring babies into this world, and the struggle some of us will face (most– if we look at statistics) as we try to navigate it all. 

My daughter, when she turned four, asked for a sibling almost every week. 

This is what I have told her… 

“Some bodies have one baby, some bodies have none, some bodies have two, four, or even ten, and some bodies choose to never have a baby. Some bodies love babies made by other bodies, and some bodies carry babies for other people. I cannot wait to see what your body & heart will do.”

I have been saying this now for over two years. Does she still ask for a sibling? Of course, but she is never surprised by my answer that “I cannot wait to see what your house is like, what you choose, the plan God has for you etc”.

Because her Mom… cursed her body every month I did not see two lines. She tried medications, ovulation tracking apps, eating the ‘right’ things and taking the right supplements, and peeing on so so SO many sticks through so so SO many tears. And part of me wonders, if I had been told that knowledge about the beauty of difference in bringing life into this world if I would have seen it as a story unfolding before me instead of a curse. 

I know I am luckier (even though I hate that word) than most thinking about our journey. I have one beautiful and healthy daughter. I chose not to use most assisted reproductive technology options. I never miscarried, I never grieved a child, but I did grieve what was not there. 

I still grieve for what is not here. 

I still wonder what my life would have been like if my body was another type of body and if my mind was another type of mind. But if I externalize that & make it about my story rather than my body… I can process that my story was unwritten by me. My story was already sealed by fate, the universe, God (call it what you will) the minute I gasped my first breath. 

So I will choose to worship my body for what it did give me while grieving what is not here. In the same way I allow my daughter to long for a sibling while embracing the differences that our bodies shine into our world. The duality can be uncomfortable, but also powerful. When we embrace both the grief and the gratitude together, that is where the power is ours. That is where the purpose is ours. 

Because the greatest journeys are not about a destination, but about the person you become along the way. In the quiet hope of TTC, you are becoming stronger, more resilient, and more full of love for yourself than you ever imagined possible. You didn’t choose this path, but this path was chosen for you. 

Let your hope be bigger than your fear. Let your courage be stronger than your doubt. This waiting is a testament of your developing deep & unwavering love of yourself.     

-- Jordan O'Brien | Owner of Carnation Counseling LLC | September 14, 2025