I had never heard the term ‘ghosts in the nursery’ until I was studying in my licensure program, and my supervisor brought it up. I remember thinking, like actual ghosts, like family members, or ancestors? 

(cue the Disney’s Mulan montage of her ancestors sitting around debating on what is best for her while she tries to feed her baby at 3am).  

What I then came to understand was this phenomenon that occurs in parenting, but most of us are unaware of. Selma Fraiberg (1975) coined this term to explain to developmental psychologists, or the like, about generational trauma, and unresolved relational patterns that can be passed down from parent to child.  

The “ghosts” are not necessarily actual paranormal beings taking up space in the nursery you are now cradling your new baby in, but they are representations of unresolved trauma from your past. 

It makes so much sense to me as a Mom, a therapist, or a human being walking planet Earth. Think about it– The most popular topic of conversation that gets brought up between my clients and I is how difficult it is to teach another human being (1 month-18 years old) how to self regulate… while we were never truly taught ourselves. 

We live in a time where gentle parenting, self regulation, and emotional awareness is key to successful parenting… but it’s being attempted by a generation of parents who as children themselves were taught to be quiet, stay the course, don’t break the status quo, you’ll get over it, don’t be such a baby, when life gives you lemons, because I said so, as long as you live under my roof, this hurts me more than it hurts you, do as i say not as I do etc. etc. etc.

We are also pursuing this dream of successful parenting when potentially the parents that raised us never dealt with their own ‘ghosts in the nursery’. If you can take a step back, as painful as memories might be for a moment, and imagine your parents as the littler versions of themselves, as young children, being the one to say that mean thing, do that hurtful thing, or give up on you entirely, does it change the perspective at all? To picture them as young children who needed the same kind of love you are trying to give your own kids. This never excuses behavior of adults– but rather shows you now as the parent to your own kids how important taking care of these ghosts can be. 

It wasn’t until around 2005 when the term ‘angels in the nursery’ became an idea worth pursuing in contrast to these ghosts. Those regulation skills you’re learning, and now teaching your own kids = angels in the nursery. Those gentle talks you have with your inner child that in turn aid the way you speak to your own children = angels in the nursery. The positive influences you surround yourself with that in turn filter down to your children = angels in the nursery. Recognizing your self worth as a human being that in turns allows you to appreciate your own child’s uniqueness = angels in the nursery. 

And the great news about these angels… is it’s never too late to welcome them into your life. It doesn’t matter if you are still learning, haven’t started or don’t know where to begin - these angels can be brought into your life at any time to combat those ghosts. These angels are the moments of unconditional love, secure connection, and deep worth you experienced and carry within you. They are your inherent capacity to nurture, forgive, and connect. Sometimes we just need reminders that we are still capable of these things & let your angels lead the way. 

-- Jordan O'Brien | Owner of Carnation Counseling | November 11, 2025  

In 2020, the world went silent. Empty streets, closed doors, sirens singing lullabies in the distance.

We birthed hope in the middle of chaos — tiny lungs learning to breathe while the world forgot how.

We raised them behind glass and cloth, sanitizer and prayers. Counting milestones in living rooms, celebrating first steps in the quiet hum of quarantine.

We were their safe place when everything else felt unsafe. We held them tighter than tight, whispered promises we weren’t sure we could keep:

You’re loved. You’re safe. I’ve got you.

And now it’s 2025.

Five years.

Four or five or five candles on cakes we once thought we’d never blow out in public again. And those babies — our pandemic babies — are pulling on tiny backpacks, learning to spell their names, walking into classrooms without us.

And no one warns you about this part — how the quiet after they leave echoes louder than the lockdown ever did. How letting go feels harder than holding on.

But still, we do it. We open our palms, let them run into a world we prayed would be gentler by now. We watch them bloom, remembering the seeds we planted when everything felt barren.

This is what it means to love them: To build a sanctuary

and then teach them how to leave it.

-- Jordan O'Brien | Owner of Carnation Counseling LLC | August 4, 2025